self-reliance

in contrast to the last entry, i'm at the other end of the emotional spectrum today. let's just say today was a rocky journey with me clinging to the wagon, hoping to make it to the end. okay, maybe it wasn't that bad (there will be probably be worse days ahead - ha, isn't that optimistic of me) but i just felt so shot down every time i turned around.

first was my score on the immuno midterm, which i had felt relatively confident about. my mcb test scores in the past year have made me wonder whether i've reached my learning limits in research science. perhaps it's impossible for me to be that smart. next was my gpa which i had to find because i'm switching my major from immunology to genetics. oh, how i wished i'd worked harder when i had the chance. my gpa is no stunner. it's certainly not going to get me into medical school. when i think back to what i was spending my time on, if not studying, i'm amazed at how little i've actually accomplished. sure, i was riding high when i was a freshman as an active cabinet member in a huge campus organization, but then what? what do i have to show for my four years? i'm not a member of asuc senate, nor am i a Cal athlete. i'm not leading a club to make a difference and i'm not a TA for any class. how am i possibly qualified to be anything than mediocre? and who wants a mediocre doctor.... anyhow, the rest of the day was just bad luck: raining while i walked home, problems with my Chinese software (fixed now), problems securing my Calmail connection (not fixed, grr), and my bf couldn't talk on the phone when i wanted to tonight. that last incident made me realize how easy it is to become dependent on your significant other and to take for granted that someone will always be there to listen to your rants. i shouldn't rely on that. he's got his own life and worries to deal with. i'm lucky to have found him and love has no expectations. friends also have their own problems and issues. why burden them with mine? so i must reassert the independent woman within and deal with the increasingly overwhelming stress i've acquired recently myself, which i'll save for another entry. good thing this blog helps a little by giving me an outlet for venting. otherwise there wouldn't be another entry.