why medicine?

why is this so DIFFICULT? arrrghhh i have pages and pages of singular paragraphs discussing my experiences, experimenting with various approaches, and several possible unifying themes, but none of them seem to fit together with everything i want to say! writing this essay shouldn't be so hard. i guess i'm putting a lot of pressure to get it right this first time. i'm going to DIE tomorrow from lack of sleep.

Theme 1: Doctore means teach in Latin. I've been tutoring/teaching for most of my life and it makes sense to continue it at a higher level.
problem - can't fit in research

Theme 2: I care about people. I want to help them understand how to attain and maintain the highest level of health.
problem - difficult to demonstrate without medical experience

Theme 3: I'm interested in a holistic approach to everything I do. Now medicine interests me.
problem - how to explain why medicine.

Theme 4: Natual progression of molecular science background, public health work, and teaching. All were great but felt like something was missing.
problem - makes it sound like medicine is default.

maybe i can combine 2 and 3. back to the drawing board.

complete and utter ____

i'm stuck in this utter mess i have created, incomplete beyond all words. i'm a disappointment to those who care about me. i have failed to impress. i am but mediocre. i assume an air of capacity, but those who are far superior can stare straight through my weak veil. there may not be a natural hierarchy among humans, but i am slipping out of the rankings faster than a falling star. i feel blessed to be a part of this world, but unworthy all the same.

back in action

since may, life has been so fulfilling i'm having trouble returning to reality. first was graduation and wrapping up college life, moving out of my home for three years. then came the spontaneous decision to live with an old family friend and move to oakland, a place that i wouldn't have expected to end up after school. i was fortunate enough to have a fitting job fall into my lap right before i left for a month of backpacking in europe with the love of my life and two of my oldest friends. how can you top that?

now i just want to revel in the novelty of being self-sufficient and non-academic. i want to go to work, indulge in hobbies, go on random weekend trips, and be carefree! i want to row for the dragon boat team, become a true wine connessieur, perfect my cooking skills, make websites to share my interests, catch up with all my friends - new and old, earn extra money selling on amazon and ebay, read read read, take up running, yoga!, travel to asia and south america, see my boyfriend more than once a month, produce music, write more, visit my sister in new york, understand financial investments, meditate an hour daily, work in europe next year, organize my LIFE. there's so much to do and so little precious time on this beautiful earth.

yet, i'm anchored to my unfinished thesis and waiting medical school application with deadlines soon approaching. i work at least 8 hours a day and derm work follows me home in the form of disease pamphlets and terminology to study. the apartment still needs some embellishment. my car needs to be cleaned. there is laundry to be done. records and budgets must be kept up and emails always take forever, though most are pleasant to read. i'm resigned myself to the fact that i'll always have projects that aren't finished on time, but the point is to make an effort to complete the most important ones first, instead of the preferred choices. the goal is to be at cause, not in effect. here it goes.