how could i...

i did something this past weekend that was remarkably stupid. it was reminiscent of sophomore college nights out in its level of stupidity. too much alcohol, not enough sleep, blackouts, unintentional physical contact. it's a cause and effect progression that i can't believe i let myself fall into it again. i've been there before. i'm smarter than that, or so i thought.

The FSD class has been all about spiritual development, learning how to live in tune with your spirit and to make decisions in your highest interest. well, friday night may have been as first and second chakra as i could have possibly gotten. i was living directly for survival and pleasure, making what i perceive to be the worst decisions. i saw the danger signs too: the yawning during dinner, the personal much-too-much supply of vodka, knowing that vodka only means hangovers, the extra attention from some people, not wearing my watch to time my drinks, losing my water bottle with my vitality (is this supposed to happen?)...but i chose to ignore these signs and went straight down my chakras to hit rock bottom. how could this happen when i've learned so much in the past few months? when i was doing so well? how could it all just disappear in one night?

i caused my boyfriend pain. not once, but twice this week. both times could have been avoided. he deserves better. i feel guilty. makes me self-destructive. no appetite, too much appetite, thoughts of suffering, breaking up, loneliness, self-imposed pain. mood swings from professionally perky to dismally depressive. i can survive without him. but it's only survival. emptiness. i shouldn't be so corded to him; perhaps i am too attached to this way of loving. but this is the strongest way i know and i'm afraid to lose him if i change. i can survive as a spirit without him. i know we are independent. but i cling to the idea of soulmates. he means too much to me. what would i do without him? it's little excuse that i didn't know what i was doing. how could i hurt him when he is only gentle with me? how will i ever redeem myself?

funny thing. when i found out, i wasn't all that emotional. oh dear, something happened between friends on a drunken night. whatever. then i realized what it meant for pey. i had been unfaithful, somewhat. not intentionally, but it wasn't innocent. if he had done the same, i would have been crushed. desperation crept up because the act hurt him. so odd, that something that barely bothers me as a single entity would stir up so many of my feelings because it affects someone important to me. i realized that most of my life, i'm doing things for other people. for my mother, father, sister, boyfriend, friends, advisors, boss, classmates, committee members, tutees, patients, everyone else in the world, BUT myself. how could i not live for myself for so long? i can't remember the last time i did something for ME because I wanted to. like laurie said, it's been a while. yoga was something i wanted to do. and i really liked it. i fill up my time with so many other activities in which i'm simultaneously responsible to someone else. time is so limited...i need to either cut down on the other things or manage it better to fit in some time for myself. like running energy. or yoga. or running. or drawing. how could i live like this for so long?

i don't want to fall in my old patterns. there's a sense that finding more time for myself will prevent that.

[goal] To learn how to get through a day at the office taking energy from the earth instead of my spirit.
[purpose] To maintain the same energy for myself as for everyone else.

firsthand experience

a couple realizations to note:

1) how damn tired my legs are at the end of the day. today we performed at least 10 surgeries. i spend most of the day setting up surgeries, cleaning up, and wrapping the packs again. INSANE. we also fell behind in the morning AND after lunch so i spent the better part of two hours running around, taking in patients, hurrying dr. a, cleaning up, and prepping path bags.

the days aren't always like this, but it isn't uncommon. days like these make me consider how i would want my practice to be. i wouldn't want to burn out my legs in the first year. i like how dr. f has half days on wednesdays - a nice break ni the middle of the week. i think i'd like to start and end earlier on some days and later on others, alternating to accommodate people's schedules, but allocating time to spend with my family in both the am and pm at least part of the week. i've had a dream to open up my own preventative medicine and healing clinic - one consisting of healers from all different disciplines: chinese medicine, naturopathy, nutrition, ayurveda, etc., but i realized today that i need to network and acquire a following first. so a patient today suggested that i work really hard for a few years first within a hospital or managed care company, forming relationships and building a patient base. it makes sense. then i could spend some time raising a family and perhaps open my dream clinic after that.

2) how easy it is to forget that you're treating a person and not just a body. after doing so many skin exams, it doesn't even faze me when private body parts are blatently exposed. it's just skin and flesh. i'm only there to take notes on their skin abnormalities. but no, i should not forget that they deserve to be treated as dignified humans. not that i'm mean to them, but sometimes it slips that nudity, which seems normal in the doctor's office, isn't considered civil in society. relegating the attitude from the office to the real world may offend other people. it's really is true that it's so simple to forget that you're working on a living, breathing person rather than a medical experiment. i don't want to lose my empathy for the patient, so i must remind myself that these spirits need to be treated with respect.

growing

a lot of things are frightening right now. tense muscles and nightmares about screwing up at work are proof of how worried i am about failing there. people know that i've never been punctual, but now i'll go out of my way to arrive 10 minutes early for work just to make sure everything will be perfect for the people i work with.

[ funny that i never did that for myself when i was in school...how i was rarely prepared when i went to class, how i was more nervous than delightful at my professors' office hours, how i could have gotten so much more if i had put that extra bit of effort into my studies. funny how that reflects on my inability to do anything well unless it's for someone else. but that's another story. ]

money's such a big issue now too, now that i have some. where to invest, how much, how to spend, what to buy, how to make more - i think my life revolves quite a bit around money recently. i dislike putting so much focus on it, but hopefully the novelty factor will wear off soon. it's just money. i'm just worried i won't invest it properly and i'll either lose it or not maximize the profits 50 yrs from now. oh horrors. jennifer asked why i'm not more impulsive. maybe i'm just too much of a boring worrywart to be spontaneous. why DO i feel obligated to plan? ha, it's the fear of failure, the fear of making mistakes, the fear of losing something great. a couple times, i've lost opportunites because i didn't plan ahead and i guess they scarred me for life. now i can't do anything on the spur of the moment. =P how terrible to be so restricted. oh, pathetic me. =P to feel sorry for myself is even more ridiculous. lame.

the biggest issue is what it means to change my habits, change my lifestyle, to live in alignment with my spirit. it means letting go of cultural customs, questioning deeply engrained values, envisioning and creating a life i want to live, growing forward and, perhaps, out of allies and friends along the way. now that's a scary thought. i can't let someone else's opinion weaken my resolve, no matter how much they mean to me. it means finally doing something for myself without fear or regard for "the right way." i find myself every night, stuck in the same rut, going through the same routines, wondering, "there must be more..." but being too tired to do anything about it.

baby steps, baby steps. that's how we all grew up.

yippee!

done with primaries! whew what a relief. i took a nice vacation to SD for the weekend, then promptly slept for 11 hours the night i got back. AND there's a three day weekend coming up. SWEET.

now i can go back to getting my life together, clearing out the remnants of college life, discovering habits and passions, setting my routine - which is never the same week after week... i'm really enjoying just being in the world. not having a tv rather forces me into my own little reality, but i get to see people passing and living life, whether it's at work, around the lake, when i go out. now that my mind is not so wrapped around school, i'm able to be aware of what else is going on. there's a big ethnic festival this labor day weekend in oakland...maybe i'll go to that! it'd be nice to check out some local events. i've never really had a community where i belonged. another option is to call up some old friends to hang out by doing something new. sailing, camping, hiking, volunteering, going to a public event...ahh it all comes together. =)