in the know

i've been waiting to meet some celebrities since i started working in this office. it's not like i can't contain myself for when johnny depp walks in or anything. i just figure that the bay area has its share of famous faces and somebody has to look after their skin. the closest i've gotten is a player for the Oakland A's, but he's not even my doctor's patient. sure, accomplished individuals have walked through the door - artists, entrepreneurs, clothing designers, moms, professors - but no one really exciting. and so, i was ultra happy when i met TWO the other day. legally i'm not at liberty to discuss who our patients are, but let's just say they work in the food industry and both people were founders of products that i adore. meeting them made me such a gushy fan. my doctor must've thought i was crazy. but it made my day being able to speak to such innovative people. i hope they bring samples next time. not that i expect anything...

on a more serious note, my entry wouldn't be complete without a little emotional turmoil. it's been an unusually difficult week. i figured it was PMS, but my mind and body have been more off kelter than normal. i've had symptoms like early spotting and headaches. i've been particularly sad and stressed without knowing why, analyzing myself into a little black hole. i had a great time in NY. my sister and i parted as we usually do - no fuss, no tears. we love each other dearly but we're not demonstrative. i thought about our relationship on the way back from there and i feel that it's changing as we grow older. we're developing a deeper friendship where we can talk about anything. she's the only sister i'll ever have. i'm not sure what i would do without her. that thought upset me and started the ball rolling for a bunch of other issues.

lately, i've been grappling with the role of money in my life. as a child, i was taught to save save save. growing up in consumer american has taught me to spend spend spend. it was relatively easy to maintain the balance when my parents were funding my cash flow. "i'll buy this, but look for the best deal." now that i'm spending my own money, it has somehow translated into this stressful mindset of working as hard as possible to spend and save as i please. it's funny because even if i don't work overtime, i still have way more than i need. yet i become so engrossed in watching where every dollar is spent (okay, i'm not so anal to watch cents). i really want to change this mentality because it's putting me over the edge. i'm working a sat morning and i tutored twice this week because i felt guilty about all the money i spent in NY. i'm so exhausted from assisting, period. this isn't necessary for me to survive. i keep raising the bar for what can earn, but it's costing me time and energy that i ought to be putting into my applications, my boyfriend, my family, my friends, and myself! why do i do this? why do i take on more than i should? what's this need to always be busy...so busy that it tolls on other parts of my life? haven't i learned anything these past few years? anything about simplifying, reducing, lightening? i don't need to be so bogged down...

i got a timeline and an erasure at FSD last night. they were both bizarre experiences. the most bizarre part was that they felt real and experiencing both of them brought some lightness for me in my current depressive haze. apparently i was dealing with some losses in a past life, which were the root of my sadness, but i didn't know it. after getting the timeline, i felt a little more settled inside. it reassured me that this group are people i can trust to bring me to live in my highest interest. it's such a glorious thought. it's rather frightful as well. my reality's shifting. i'm not sure whether to attribute to the changes in my physical world or developments in my mind & spirit, but there's definitely something going on. it's hard to judge when my life now is so different from what i was merely a month or five months ago. i'm afraid of letting go of things dear to me. i allow old objects, pictures, and people to reappear in my space because they're familiar. but i'm learning to recognize when something doesn't serve me anymore and simply to let go. i've already done that with some past friends, though not all, of course. i'm slowly cleaning out my material possessions. soon i hope to release the ancient pictures in my space so that i may think for myself more clearly. my biggest fear is that this process may cause me to lose my boyfriend. there. i said it. i committed to a statement of fear. but just because i said it doesn't make it true. sometimes i wish he was going through this too so that he could understand better what i'm talking about. but i have to remind myself that he doesn't have to. his spirit understands better and the distance doesn't matter one bit.

the most valuable person i can know is myself, truly and intimately. here we go.

best time of my life

to put some closure on the last entry, everything turned out okay. the incident made me realize how much pey means to me and i'm glad that nothing more painful happened that night. pey and i had one of the most blissful weekends together a couple weeks ago. i love him so much. i just may be the luckiest girl in the world...

along the same lines, i feel like this is the best time of my life. i'm young, healthy, independent, in love, happy, and making progress. no stress of school. knowing that i'm moving on to bigger and better things, i work hard and i'm good at my job. there are endless possibilities ahead with no obligations to hold me back. i have wonderful friends with whom I can share hard times and have great times. the love of my life loves me too and i love dreaming about what our life together will be like. yes, my roommate is moving out suddenly, but i enjoyed our time together and the girl who'll be subletting her room seems to be pretty cool too. it seems like my entire life is in transition, so i'm adjusting to this change with more acceptance than i normally would. i feel so FREE, taking everything in stride. i'm curious if the FSD work has anything to do with it, but i feel like this is how i've lived all my life. it seems almost impossible or dangerous for me to be this high on truly living, but i have faith in myself. i'll just enjoy the ride.

note to self: if ever you feel like life is a struggle, remember how it feels right NOW.

hm, my entries make me seem manic-depressive. how opposite of me.