becoming a doctor

shota kept asking why i wasn't more excited about going to medical school. i guess it just struck me all at once what it means to be accepted...what it means to be a physician. yes, there're still four long hard years of study and training, plus at least three more of 80 hour workweeks after that. if i make it through all that, THEN i'll be a doctor. but this is the first step. a medical school thinks i'm qualified to practice medicine...on people! of course, while i was applying, i believed i embodied the ideal future doctor: i have the academic record, the personality traits, the passion, and the vision. it's just a little different when an institution validated my belief in myself. crazy. i'm jumping for joy inside, but little butterflies of apprehension are fluttering about the cloud of celebration.

dr. a's seems much more excited than i am. every day she teaches me something new, plans another detail of my future career. so far i've applied LN2 to seborrheic keratoses (harmless, sometimes itchy growths), tied sutures in square knots, and most recently, injected local anesthesia to patients prior to biopsies. i like all the procedural work. it's a nice break from interviewing patients and sensory assessment. i plan on having LN2 and sterile instruments ready in my primary care office just in case someone comes in needing it. but yes, it was awesome getting to DO medicine. i kept thinking, "wow! i'm injecting into someone's body! i can feel their flesh with the end of this needle! this takes SOME trust the patient has in the doctor!" and then it was all done and i went back to being assistant. but what a thrill! i can't wait for more tactile exams with the patient as my medical career progresses.

wax and wane

god, life is such an emotional roller coaster. i'm usually pretty steady, but the last few weeks have thrown me up and down. sometimes i love my job, then i hate it. i'll fear for the strain the next four years will put on my relationship with my boyfriend. next moment, it'll seem like it'll be a piece of cake. i'll adore the people i hang out with before getting annoyed with them. healthy, sick, healthy, sick....almost healthy again. to me, this doesn't feel balanced at all. something's not right.

there's almost some underlying dissatisfaction throwing everything else off kilter. i can feel it when i pause during the day. nothing intense. just a small dark spot consistently marring my light. don't feel quite right at my apartment. nothing's going perfectly...always off the bull's eye. i think i've been distancing myself from people in general. i think i've become more selfish in the past year. i feel an ownership to my time and energy. so i haven't been devoting much to developing relationships with my coworkers. and deservedly, i suppose, no one seems to care about my well-being. since i spend most of my time at work, it comes easy to feel lost in life. but for the most part, i haven't felt truly happy in a long time. even with my med school acceptance, i just haven't felt fulfilled. there have been fleeting moments of bliss (most recently during this past weekend in san diego), but even then, there were major ups and downs - mostly self-inflicted. i don't know why, but i've been thinking some terrible thoughts. thoughts that depress me and scare me. my super-id's going "you're being silly" but my ego's taken over. i wish it was pms. i just want it all to flow again...