orient yourself

that's surviving anatomy 101. the first step is to figure out the surrounding environment before making any decisions about where you stand. where are you going? where have you been? once your coordinates within the body are known, you have the tools to answer the questions.

that's pretty much how to survive medical school, too. medical students come from such various backgrounds. it takes a little time to figure out where you stand in your class, your city, and your career. we're all so used to being the best of the best. to compete with each other means humility and acceptance of your class ranking. honoring the class means infinitely more work than it did in undergrad, precipitating a choice to be made between the library and extra-curricular activity. do you take the extra hour and attend a meeting on health disparity? or do you spend it pre-reading the next lecture and formulating questions beyond the scope of the class? we learn to prioritize the responsibilities we take on, orienting ourselves toward the loftier goals of our medical careers. world-renowned surgeon? better start shadowing. breakthrough research? meeting with a mentor with my project ideas today. rural medicine? i'm better learn all sorts of emergency, wilderness, family, management techniques because who knows what will walk through the door. first, though, we need to determine what the goal IS. i've almost sure i'll be a primary care physician in the future. but other questions need to be answered: do i want to do research? what are my interests? how do i envision my practice? how do i want to be involved in the community? at the very least, what will i be doing this summer? in the last year, i feel that few of these questions have been answered with any definity. as much as i recognize that there's no hurry (yet), it's difficult not to feel pressure when the 30 classmates standing around you have grandiose, multidisciplinary plans for themselves. every so often, i remind myself there's a reason i'm in pittsburgh, that there's a path for me, and that i will find it soon.

nothing quite prepared me for the onslaught of medical school. imagine the heaviest course you could take in undergrad...and multiply by 100. they call it the "waterfall" of information - the student can try as hard as she can to retain it all, but it's impossible. the next gasp of fresh air is drowned by four lectures and a PBL presentation. the first few months are, additionally, a constant deluge of social gatherings, opportunity meetings, non-science curricular obligations, and becoming accustommed to the city in which you now reside for the next four years. it's a difficult transition, something i've been grappling with for the last year. the first few months were tough - being homesick, missing the work life, getting used to hellacious teaching, navigating pittsburgh's lack of urban planning and amenities. i mourn the loss of my innocence, that i'm in training for my career as an adult. i'm 24, but that doesn't mean i should be allowed to hold someone's life in my hands. i feel so far away from home, our family is frequently spread across the world, my loved ones are 3000 miles away....what if something happens? it's a grievance that visits daily. it has been a long process and i think with the close of the first year, i can finally put certain parts of my past to rest. i've (almost) released the longing for the feeling of home, the idyllic days at Cal, and life as an employed young woman living in the East Bay.

there are still issues to be dealt with. for example, my creative side has been neglected for months. i haven't gone dancing in ages. when will i travel or learn a foreign language? issues like these are put aside for the next exam on friday or the impending physical exam session for which-i-have-not-read. or does it need to be? the first year of medical school has been an uphill battle to rise above the pressures and protocols to realize what i want out of it. am i the driven student or am i the community organizer? do i care about the honor grade or am i happy to pass? do i foster my old relationships or build new ones? are these mutually exclusive? for the most part, there just isn't enough time to do everything. like many over-achieving students, i have a bad habit of being interested in anything half-appealing. i can't spend the rest of med school feeling torn between my classmates' dreams and my own. i have some choices to make about how i want to invest my time and energy. i need to orient myself, find what's important to me, and proceed accordingly, disregarding what the "popular" thing to do is. some activities will be immensely beneficial for myself and my career and there will be those that will not matter in the long run. i'm okay with my passes in class right now. P = MD, after all. we'll get that extra immunopathology information next year. we'll learn more about neuropharmacology the year after. medical school is a lot of repetition. my job is figure out how to supplement my medical education for my own heart's desires. and stick to it.

speaking of which...